Image by S. Hermann & F. Richter from Pixabay
The cold
dreary Dark-Grey weather was reflected in my heart. Many a time in the recent
past I had contemplated ending my life to escape this grey. Only one thing had
stopped me - my precious daughter, the very breath in my lungs, every beat of
my heart. How could I leave her alone in this cruel Salem-Black world? I could
not, so, I plodded on.
******
Suri my
daughter, she is the splash of Canary-Yellow in my Ash-Grey life. But even with
her splash, our life at best is like an old Straw-Yellowed photograph. A
yellow, which ebbs and flows with the sun. The sun sets, darkening our life to Midnight-Grey
and heralding the arrival of my alcoholic husband. Even the yellow leeches out.
If he is given food and television and quiet, the grey remains undisturbed, but
occasionally it explodes into Crimson-Red.
******
Till Suri
was born my life was all types of grey. Then she came into my life and I saw
this new color. It was bright and beautiful. It lifted my heart and spirit. I
loved this new color and named her Suryakiran, appropriate isn’t it? Just speaking her name brings a smile to my
face.
*****
Now my
little splash of yellow is growing. She is twelve years old and has her own
ideas about how things should be. He didn’t want her to wear jeans. When she
whined, he got angry and we had the burst of Crimson-Red. He pounded his greys
into me for not teaching my daughter to never argue with her father. But
later he relented and said, “Jeans is ok, but no T-shirts.” Everything was no; going
to friends’ houses, sleepovers, birthdays, laughing wholeheartedly, singing
loudly. It was like my life was being repeated, this time with my daughter. My
father always used to say ‘Sit properly, don’t talk loudly, why are you
talking to boys, what is the need to study so much graduation is enough, teach
her cooking instead.’ Now Suri’s father was beginning to say the same
things.
*******
When I was
young, I used to see other girls laughing loudly, going out, buying trinkets.
Sometimes their colors would splash on to my mood too, purple, pink, lavender.
But once I got home those colors would ruthlessly and systematically be beaten
or jeered off. The de-coloring done mostly by my father was painful. It left me
raw and bleeding. So, I decided to stick to greys. They were dull but I knew
them.
********
That is why
Suri and I made the most of our time together.
“How was your day?” I would ask her everyday
once she returned from school. Taking her bag, I would hug her tight. That was
her cue to go into a detailed description of the day at school. Perhaps more
than her, I enjoyed this time. Not only because she was sharing her day with me
but also because I was living my life vicariously through her joys and experiences.
*******
One evening
we were returning from the market.
“Suri, we
will get your Durgaji* in that shop,” I said pointing at ‘Vertika’s Vintage
Shop’ across the street.
“Yessss…” she clapped her hands
enthusiastically. “And I will pick up a statute exactly like the one I saw in
my dreams.”
“That may
not be possible honey,” I cautioned not wanting to see her sad incase she
didn’t find what she was looking for.
“Don’t
worry Ma, have some faith,” she looked at me and said with such conviction that
I had to swallow past my chocked throat and I could only manage to smile and
nod my head.
*****
In the shop
I let her take the lead. I browsed around. The shop was divided into two
sections. The front section was all glass and gloss; selling items that
tourists wanted. The other section at the back was dusty and dull. It was here
in one of the long glass displays that I saw it. It was the most beautiful key
I had ever seen. Made perhaps of oxidized silver it looked to be two-and-a-half
inches long and half an inch broad. At the top it had an exquisitely carved filigree
lotus. Each of its five petals had a stone – blue, red, green, violet, yellow. The rectangular body had intricate paisleys
carved into it which tapered down to a dainty swastik.
“Would you
like to see it?”
“Huh, no,
no, I probably couldn’t afford it,” I said smiling sheepishly.
“No money
for seeing,” thus saying the old man – I assumed he was the owner – removed the
key and put it on a small black velvet tray and extended it towards me.
I stared at
the key as it rested on the tray for a few more seconds. Then I gingerly
reached out and picked it up. I had expected it to be cold, but it felt warm to
touch. I was mesmerized. Then I looked at the old man with his wise and kind
eyes. For some reason my eyes teared up.
“Warm to touch,
is it?” he asked with a smile.
I could
only nod.
“Then I
think you should buy it.”
“But I
don’t have money,” I said and reached out to put the key back on the tray.
Half way
through the old man cupped my hand in his and closed my palm around the key. I
looked at him astonished and a little suspicious.
“How much
do you have?”
This led to
a bargain and I got a deal.
And just
like that, the most beautiful key I had ever seen was mine. He packed it in
pink tissue paper and I paid for it. Suri didn’t find her Durgaji and said it
was ok. She would find her one day.
********
Few days
later I found myself standing in front of our storeroom. I was looking for the
key to unlock it. Amongst the bunch of keys on my key-ring I saw the lotus-key.
I was still grinning like an idiot when Suri came up to me and waved her hand
infront of my face.
“Ma, you
are supposed to get mango pickle from the storeroom for my tiffin,” she smiled
at my smile.
Laughingly
I said, “Yes, yes, my little one.”
I pushed opened
the door and flicked on the switch. The small bulb lighted-up the 5 by 10 feet
room with Pale-Yellow light. I reached for the pickle jar on the top shelf.
Anything required frequently was stored on the shelves near the door. The big
drums filled with wheat, rice, spices were pushed against the far wall.
******
When I woke
up today, I wasn’t feeling great. My head felt heavy and all I wanted to do was
crawl back into the bed. But Suri and husband needed their tiffins. I also had
a long list of chores I needed to do. Top of the list was cleaning the
storeroom. I really wasn’t up to it today. Feeling groggy and a little dizzy I
nonetheless opened the door to see if I could inspire myself to atleast start
the task. Just as I unlocked the
storeroom, I realized that I had used the lotus-key.
What?
How was it
even possible? My heart pounded and my body went cold.
*******
Breathing
heavily, I slowly pushed the door open expecting …. Not sure what? But
definitely not what I saw.
It took my
breath away. I stood there stunned. My headache and tiredness all forgotten. It
was like there was an explosion of colors. Almost blinding me with its
intensity. It was the most colorful candy shop I had ever seen. It was a
rectangular space with walls on three sides and the fourth long-wall was where
I was standing. The walls were painted with dizzying wave-pattern which swirled
into their respective centers. I could discern yellow, orange, red, green, blue
lines. Their constant movement was hypnotizing. I tore my glance away from them
and looked at the shelves. They were made of red and yellow glass, like a
mosaic. They cast red and yellow shadows. I let go of the door and stepped
inside. I looked up and laughed. Even the ceiling was covered with colorful
dots of varying sizes.
I felt like
a kid in a candy shop. I looked at the colorful candies kept in the glass jars.
Some were like M&Ms, some like jellies, some cut in shape and color of
fruits, some with swirls, others with waves, candy sticks, lollypops. Gingerly
I reached out and took one. It was solid. I popped one in my mouth. Oh God, the
feeling was heavenly. I closed my eyes and savored it. Then I went around
sampling a few and pretty soon I was feeling sick again, this time from the
sugar rush. However the urge to stay was so strong that had it not been for Suri
coming home I would have just stayed. Slowly with heavy footsteps I started
walking back. I grabbed a red-white swirly lollypop for her. At the door I
turned back to look at all the color riot. I kept looking at it till I could
see no more. The door closed on its own. I felt a great sense of bereavement.
Taking a
deep breath to calm the sobs building in my chest, I pushed open the door once
again. I let the tears fall silently as I looked at my gloomy storeroom. I
looked down at my hand, the lollypop was gone. I tried using the lotus-key
again, but it wouldn’t fit the lock.
******
Suri sensed
something was wrong. But what could I say? That I was hallucinating or going
mad. The deprivation of the colors was certainly making me feel Pale-Grey-Blue.
******
The mood
persisted and everyday Suri pestered me about it. Finally, I got fed up and
took her hand and dragged her to the storeroom. I selected the lotus-key from
the bunch and said, “I used this key to open this lock a few days ago. The door
had opened into a beautiful candy store,” I said, then relocked the door.
With a
concerned look on her face she said, “You need to rest Ma.” She cupped my check
with her hand.
I felt such
despair at the thought that I would never be able to see that sight again and would
never be able to share it with her. But I knew I couldn’t give up. Holding the
key, I stuck it into the lock and even as Suri gasped the lock clicked open.
Suri and I looked at each other and held our breath. And expelled it with a
whoosh at the sight. Suri laughed and raced in.
******
“Oh my God,
Ma look at this? The ocean is so blue.”
Yes, the
ocean was all shades from Teal-Blue to Azure-Blue and absolutely crystal clear.
The sand the softest Pearl-White. But the sky, was the brightest we had ever
seen. Cornflower-Blue with tufts of white clouds and the sun was reflected
brilliantly off of the water. Under the gorgeous swaying palms were two white
wooden beach chairs. Suri looked at me with wonder in her eyes as if asking,
how?
“It’s magic
baby. We have a magical key.” I took a deep breath, breathing in the fresh
balmy air heavily scented with sea. Suri ran to play with the waves. I joined
her and we laughed and ran. We tumbled into the waves and chased them. We built
a sand castle. We got sand in our hair. We had no idea what time it was. But it
seemed all too soon the sky grew dark and angry clouds came roiling in.
“I think
its time for us to leave,” I said sadly, looking at the darkening sky.
Suri wailed,
“No, please let us stay here. Let’s close the door.”
Well it
wasn’t that simple. We tried closing the door but it wouldn’t. It always swung
open. Reluctantly we stepped out into our kitchen and the storeroom door closed.
We stood for a good couple of minutes each lost in our thoughts and dealing
with the loss and wondering…
Then reality
came tick-tocking. It was a mad dash to cook dinner and finish house-chores
before he returned. We were happy-sad. Throughout the evening we kept
exchanging glances and smiles. It was truly our secret.
******
The next
day I couldn’t wait for Suri to return. As soon as she came, we both rushed to
the storeroom and used the lotus-key. This time we were in a huge shop. We
rushed in holding hands and gawking at the display. There were different sections
all loaded with clothes. All hung according to her size and mine. Each section
was dedicated to a color. It was like a rainbow. Starting from Violet to Red.
There were tops, jeans, t-shirts, gowns and frocks. Sequin, lace, net, linen,
denim, silk, wool, velvet.
I heard
Suri’s indrawn breath and looked up to see a whole section at the end dedicated
to sports shoes, sandals, boots, wedges, stilettoes, flats, pumps.
We had a
great time trying different types of dresses and blouses and matching footwear.
We paraded the clothes as if we were models on the ramp. We oohed and ahhed and
giggled like teenagers. I realized that all colors suited Suri. While we were ideating on a way to
take atleast one dress home, the lights started flickering. Resigned we knew it
was time for us to leave. But each time it was becoming difficult. Life in
colors was beautiful and we hated going back to our greys.
That night
I could manage to put a very simple fare on the table and he didn’t like it.
“What is this? This is all you cooked. What the hell do you do all day?” I
cringed in fear. He looked at me suspiciously. I was afraid he would see my colors
and like my father would want to erase them.
********
The lotus-key
never took us to the same place. From the Azure-Blues of the oceans,
Shamrock-Greens of the rainforest, Flax-Yellows of the desert, the bright lights
of big cities and enticing stores from around the world. Every time Suri and I entered the magical
world, we would bring back with us a little more of those colors with us. I
could sense that neither she nor I wanted to live like this anymore. And my
husband was beginning to sense that something was up.
********
Today was
the third Sunday since we had the lotus-key. Sundays were difficult as husband was
home. Not being able to use the key made us edgy. He noticed that. That
afternoon Suri voiced my thoughts.
“Ma, how
long can we do this?”
I seriously
had no answer for it. I too had been wondering about it. I had no idea where it
would lead or how it would end.
“I think
Papa suspects something is going on. Did you see how he was looking at us?”
“I know, we
have to be careful,” I said feeling an unknown dread squeezing my heart.
*****
Today was
31st December and husband had informed me that he would be going out
with his buddies and will be late coming home. I was very happy. This meant
Suri and I could spend more time in the storeroom. I informed her about it as
soon as she returned and she too was excited about it.
******
This time
the lotus-key took us to a New Year’s party. Under a giant Bombax Ceiba tree there
was a table set for two. The white damask tablecloth touched the ground. In the
center was a peacock feathered glass candle holder with a flickering tea-candle.
Golden crockery and cutlery were laid out on the table. There were fairy lights
hung all over the tree. Fusion instrumental music floated in the air. This was the first time we found ourselves
dressed in beautiful frocks. Suri had a Blush-Red sequin dress trimmed with
delicate lace. I was wearing a Tiffany-Blue satin dress, cut in simple lines
with pearl studs.
We enjoyed
the fire-works and good food that magically appeared on the table. We watched
awestruck as they exploded into hundreds of tiny blue, green, pink stars. Suddenly
there was a loud bang from behind us.
*****
Startled we
turned around to look. Both of us were horrified to see husband standing there.
He was drunk and there was murder in his eyes. Dizzy with fear I tried to hold
on to the table for support. But there was no table. We were back in our
storeroom and I stumbled. Even before I could push Suri behind me, he shot in
and caught my hair and pulled it back. I cried out.
“What are
you both doing here?” he screamed in my ear. Holding his hand that was pulling
my hair and tears streaking down my face I told Suri to leave the room.
But she
wouldn’t budge.
He
continued to scream.
I could barely manage to speak. My head was
hurting. And then suddenly the red exploded. This time he was not just grey, he
was black. Pitch-Black with fury and hatred. The black rained on me. I cowered
under the assault. Suddenly Suri let out a scream and launched herself at the
black. I was horrified.
“Nooooo,” a
scream tore through my throat. Absolute terror gripped my heart.
‘No, not
my Suri. Not my sunshine,’ I thought and the idea that she would get hurt spurred me to retaliate.
With strength I didn’t know I possessed, I kicked, pummeled and bit into this
black mass of madness. I kept telling Suri to stop and back away, but she
wouldn’t listen. Suddenly I felt the intensity of the assault slacken and in
that one moment of surprise the black lashed out at my yellow and sent her
skidding on the floor to crash into the drums at the end of the room. For the
first time in my life I understood the blackness of black. I plucked the huge
jar of pickle that was next to me on the shelf and even as he turned towards me
I smashed it on his head. He went down.
Sobbing I
ran to Suri and touched her.
“Please,
please, please,” I kept chanting. I cupped her face and willed her to open her
eyes. My vision was blurring.
“No, no,
no.” I begged God to give me a reason to not succumb to the blackness that was
threatening to engulf me. Suri stirred and opened her eyes.
I wept with
relief and joy. And hugged her and touched her. I held her and rocked her.
“My baby,
my baby….”
She peered
at me and smiled.
“What is it
baby, why are you smiling?”
“You looked
like my Durgaji. In my dream she had come to save me. She had dueled ferociously
with a black monster and defeated it. Then she had touched me and smiled,” she
whispered slowly lifting her hand to touch my cheek.
For a
second I was stunned. I sat on my haunches and something poked me. I took it
out from under me. It was my key-ring. I looked at it and saw that the
lotus-key was not there. I dropped the key-ring on the floor.
I helped
Suri get up. Bloodied and bruised we walked out into the Anchor-Grey dawn. But
we carried the most precious thing with us.
Our VIBGYOR
halos.